


everything i do.

by hwallunar



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: LMAO, Letters, M/M, angst idk, cool book, idk what else to say, jk, lol, soobin s a d, very nice I think, will make u cry so hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwallunar/pseuds/hwallunar
Summary: he leaves a message for him. one he'll never open.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Kudos: 11





	everything i do.

“Hey, Gyu.”

His finger pressed down, beginning the recording. Not a video. A simple voice note.

“I wish I could tell you this.”

He didn’t know quite how to begin. He didn’t even know why he was up at such a late hour of the night, arguably an early hour of the morning. It didn’t even phase him how horrible it was for him, being up like this for most of his days. 

Nevertheless, he had stayed. He had stayed each and every time. The male couldn’t express how much pain he dealt every single day: every single moment he had a breather for himself. Wondering how much pain it would take to simply die, yet how little the difference it’d be staying alive or not. 

Death seemed just a little less painful than the reality he faced.

It was hard to think of the right words— there wasn’t a correct way to say anything, honestly.

“I don’t know how to love. I never really did- hah, it’s weird. And. I still don’t know what love is. But. I really hope you fucking know I love you. It.. just feels right, when you’re here. I’m still so unsure, Gyu, but I know I love you and-“

He was embarrassed enough but it wasn’t like he was ever going to let Beomgyu listen to it.

Love is weird. Soobin would say there wasn’t even a specific way to love or how to feel whilst being in love; funny since ‘love’ is an emotion itself, too vague to depict in a certain way. It’s what made it so scary for him. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to tell between being in love or just needing someone, anyone, when he felt alone. 

Beomgyu just felt so right.

It was the feeling of irrelevance. He was there when Beomgyu needed someone. He was wanted by him, needed rather. He was needed by him more than he was needed by himself and just the idea that being wanted by him sent shots of serotonin through the midst of his mind. It made him smile. Just that one idea.

And it wasn’t just the skin ship he offered: the gentle kisses he’d plant on his cheek when tears stained down them or the guiding of his lover’s head into the crook of his neck whenever he was simply too tired. It wasn’t even just the words he’d speak to him. The loving melody of words which would stir up a spring of joy from Beomgyu. 

He didn’t really know what it was.

“I can’t fucking do this everyday. The days I go by wanting to off myself. Every single day. I.. I don’t even trust myself anymore. But. It’s you, you know? You don’t even know what I go through everyday and I wish I could tell you, just like that. But it’s okay. It’s like you fix everything without even.. knowing it.”

And that was what Beomgyu was amazing at. Soobin always found himself reaching back to him, even after they had gone days without a call: especially the days he’d feel too low, too weak, to even pick up the spammed messages from Beomgyu himself. He’d excuse himself by simply saying he was busy. God, Beomgyu had no clue.

It wasn’t the fact that Soobin didn’t trust him. Of course he trusted his boyfriend; he trusted him with his whole heart.

“And every fucking time. Every time I just want to end this stupid.. time here. I just. I almost forget how much you need me here and .. how much I need you to hang on, with me. Because I know you struggle- god, you’ve gone through so much shit yet you manage to hold on. It’s funny to say out loud. But, I need you to keep holding onto me. Because- fuck, I’m grasping onto you without you even knowing it.”

He wanted to tell him how much he really meant, just like that. But it was never easy. He liked it that way. 

“I don’t even say this often but I love you, so much. I just.. I don’t know why I can’t tell you just like that. I love you.”

It teared him apart, shredded, the fact that he wanted to leave this place so bad. He just couldn’t do this to Beomgyu, though. And that was it. He just wouldn’t, each time.


End file.
